Curing Lover's Loneliness

e.e. cummings D, SONNETS-REALITIES,XVIII


my girl's tall with hard long eyes
as she stands, with her long hard hands keeping
silence on her dress, good for sleeping
is her long hard body filled with surprise
like a white shocking wire, when she smiles
a hard long smile it sometimes makes
gaily go clean through me tickling aches,
and the weak noise of her eyes easily files
my impatience to an edge--my girl's tall
and taut, with thin legs just like a vine
that's spent all of its life on a garden-wall,
and is going to die. When we grimly go to bed
with these legs she begins to heave and twine
about me, and to kiss my face and head.


I looked up what is called the Minimum Daily Requirements for healthy living and found out some surprising information. I’m told there some basic things that must be included in a person’s life everyday or face unhappiness, despair and gloom. There a wide variety of things described but there was one item that caught my eye. It got my attention so thoroughly that I researched it in my own life to see if I might be at risk because I might be missing it.

I spent hours on the internet. I called experts in the field of healthy living and asked hard specific questions on how I might know whether I was missing this key ingredient. They all said it was characterized by listlessness, inability to concentrate, staring at walls for long periods, sleeplessness, lack of hunger and unwillingness to participate with others except to tell others that something was missing and to ask for help finding it. These experts all agreed on one thing: missing this one ingredient for more than one day in my life was risky to my emotional, mental and spiritual health to say nothing about my physical health.

I knew what they were talking about, for sure. I was experiencing those pangs in my consciousness for the last two days. I couldn’t sleep for more than two or three hours before I would get up, check my computer for the tiniest shreds of information and see if any responses might lead me to some small comfort. Alas, my searches were fruitless; I found nothing of any help.

In desperation, I tried calling on the phone—no answer. I emailed incessantly—no reply. I packed my Yahoo Instant Messenger with wondering words, pleading paragraphs and sorrowful soliloquies begging for a return to my remonstrations in some small way—no one to accept these. I entreated those on “the other side” of my quests to at least wink back or to lift a hand in acknowledgement, even just a finger. Ah, but that was not to be. Only a silence greeted me. What more could I do? I found out…

First, I had to admit to myself that I was missing that key component of my personal Minimum Daily Requirement. Next, I had to settle for a measure of something that I previously denied myself. Finally, I needed to address this issue head-on. Here’s what happened:

The Minimum Daily Requirement I discovered missing was a daily dose of Che-Che. It didn’t matter what form that came in—email, IM, phone conversation, postal mail—as long as I had some contact daily I could live healthy. Without that daily dosage, I was a sufferer of “Lover’s Loneliness, (LL)” characterized by the symptoms I described earlier. Only a small quantity was necessary, but that dosage outweighed anything else I could do; eat; drink or exercise. In fact, that dosage did more to accelerate my pulse than a daily jog. What wonderful feelings arose from just a little connection with Che-Che? I could dance all night. I could sing all day. My smile looked like I had slept with a clothes hanger in my mouth. My eyes were bright and clear. I didn’t need a car to get anywhere; I was floating from place to place anyway. My friends knew I was well and good and healthy not from me but from the energy arcing across the sky, brighter than the sun. Complete strangers suddenly greeted one another in loving embraces in grocery store checkout lines. Parking spaces quickly opened up…

Okay, okay, maybe not all of that stuff actually happened but, what does happen when joy fills the world? I suppose things like that could. I mean, I knew joy unbridled when Che-Che was before me in print or on the Webcam. Colors vibrated with sound. Sounds were colorful. Her every word or gesture brought me sights of what heaven must be like—pure breathtaking beauty. Her words rolled by my eyes over and over again; I practically memorized her missives. One look from her and I was that deer frozen in place by bright headlights, I needed reminders to breathe again. I was slowed down by whatever she did, so taken was I by her grace, poise, confidence and power. I welcomed this tempo; I embraced it for it represented the surcease I sought from the discomfort of “LL.” Just a glimpse or a word from Che-Che was enough to lift me off my knees, get me shaving and eating normally. In the grand scheme of growing things I brought myself to the acceptance of things denied earlier.

I needed to learn and practice patience.

You know the old prayer, “Lord, please give me more patience…and I mean RIGHT NOW! ´” That was my mantra up until now, except I left out the “Lord” part. I just tried hard not to make my impatience evident or obvious usually by couching it in sarcastic utterances. I thought people would understand my rushing to get things done if they just listened to me. It worked sometimes and I even got ahead—sometimes. Meeting Che-Che was a chance occurrence, declaring her my friend was a choice but, falling in love with her I had no control over. And that changed most everything in my life, mostly in my patience quotient. I find I am calmer than before. I rush to fewer judgments. Drivers find me waving them ahead of me in line. I strike up conversations with others in cashier lines. I watch others with more consideration of their outward condition. I understand others more deeply and I find people revealing themselves with more candor. All this was happening as I kept myself aware of the value of patience—“…all things come to he who stands and waits…” or “…patience is a virtue and virtue is its own reward…” It’s been a lifetime of unconscious “hurry up and wait” up until now for me. Suddenly, (well, within the last two months anyway) I was learning to slow down, really smell the flowers (in Hawaii, they are dream-inducing) and look, really look at everything that was good and decent in my life. I was learning to be grateful anew for everything—good and not so—all because of falling so deeply in love with Che-Che. After all, she was proof positive that my being happy was because of being grateful for everything.

And so, I confronted this “LL” head on by recognizing the symptoms and being patient enough to wait for Che-Che to appear again, either in print or in person on the Webcam. I went back over saved IM conversations, re-read her emails or visited her blog http://chesjourney.blogspot.com/several times a day. I produced fresh art of her and posted them in my online galleries http://yessy.com/dickhoyer (Warning: most of these are full nudes) and it was better art than before, done with great patience and attention to appropriate detail. I learned to slow down, savoring the precious moments of my memories of her, directing my night dreams to be full of her; in short having her by my side all the time. And thus, I cured myself and took my Daily Dose of Che-Che, my Minimum Daily Requirement for a full, happy and healthy life.

Thanks be to science!!!