Monday, February 12, 2007

Because Of You

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

e.e. cummings


Monday, February 12, 2007

Halo, My Darling,

I write this a few hours after we were cut off by PLDT—again, it seems. We were just getting into a serious exchange of thoughts and poof! Gone again…

Bummers! I didn’t get to tell you how much I love you…

Anyway, perhaps I can just state my case this way and you can read it and decide how to respond.

As I was saying, I think finishing your accounting degree is important for several reasons. You will prove to yourself that you can take on a project—any project—from start to finish. If others want to know if you can complete assignments you can point to the degree. Having a degree also says something else: you know how to do research, how to find out what you need to know to complete a project. So, with a degree you tell future employers you can do two things. You can finish things on time (getting your degree in the prescribed amount of time) and you know how to look up stuff. It doesn’t really matter what the degree is in, anyway, though it is very helpful to have a degree that matches the job you’re looking for.

Another reason is the money you’ve already spent to get this far. Surely turning away from what is a possible career (accounting) is probably foolish at this time. And, going for what you really want—psychology—is not quite the career move that makes sense right now, particularly in PH, as we both agree. I can understand that your heart is not in the “numbers game.” For now, this is the only game worth pursuing if demand is high in PH and if, of course, you decide that staying there is the right choice for you.

That decision is complicated, for sure. There is the possibility you can get hired quickly in PH, maybe even close to home. You may not make as much money as you would say in Cebu or Manila, for instance, but here is another consideration for you; Mom’s health. If she gets through this latest illness, that is great! If she doesn’t get through it and she requires home-care, who will do that? Let’s be realistic here and hope for the best but have a plan for the worst that can happen. If she gets worse, are there family members that can care for her while you continue in school? Will you be able to finish school, at all? What happens then? You can expect that I will do everything I can to help you but I will have limits for a while as I build the business up to something profitable for us. But, we have to be practical and think about what could happen and how to handle that. Let’s pray she goes through this surgery well and no further complications arise.

You know I love you very much. I’ve said it in many ways and I’ve variously demonstrated it, as well. Surely it is interesting to have me as your love since there is so much distance and yes, even years between us. There are surely some differences between us but for now all we discuss seems to be similar and likeable. Over time, you may find some of me is not necessarily attractive and you may accept me anyway. Yet, there may be some things that you feel strongly about and that you don’t want to have in your life and you may reject me as a future husband. You are free to do that I can understand that.

I know for certain that much of my depths have been changed by knowing you and loving you. I constantly search my mind and soul for those negative traits I might have and strive to work on them. I am impatient but I find a new willingness to wait for you to express yourself and that has affected me in other areas of my life. I don’t yell at stupid drivers anymore. I’ll wait in line to be served by an overworked store cashier and even make small-talk to make our shared experience pleasant. I find honesty a pleasurable experience and up until now I wasn’t sure I could tell the difference between being totally truthful and only partially so. I am also more aware of what is honest behavior in others. So far, I haven’t been disappointed in leaving someone if I find they are less than honest with me, although I tend to give people too much time to prove themselves dishonest. This must be because of my caring nature, which has also improved due to knowing you.

Up until now, I played with businesses instead of being serious about making them create money. For now I see this art we have created as a serious thing, something no one has ever seen before up until now. Once it “takes off” (and I firmly believe it will) we will be in for a deliciously profitable ride. For the first time, I am very positive about what I am doing with the art of you and of Até Rory. Because you permitted me to portray yourselves in all manner of ways, I am an excellent artist and now I am working on becoming an excellent businessman to promote the art and sell it. Your participation in my dream of becoming a world-wide famous artist is an absolute key to my success. I could not do it without you and I will not do it without you.

I now take care of my health better than I have up until now. As you know, I have two things to concern me: diabetes and cancer. I am getting better control over my diabetes by changing my diet. I now eat salads, vegetables, chicken and fish. I make juices out of apples, carrots, ginger and spinach. My blood sugar levels are getting better, too. Although I have to inject myself daily with insulin to keep my sugar levels under better control, the diet and accompanying weight loss is making things better, too. Because of my love for you and my desire to remain alive for many years to come with you, I do more healthy things than before. You know I quit smoking last summer and I have not missed it a bit. I do have an occasional glass of wine from time to time and I find that relaxing. I sleep fairly well. I drink a lot of water, too, and sometimes my sleep is interrupted in order to go to the comfort room during the night, but I fall asleep quickly after those visits.

Because of you, I have less loneliness in my life. I do miss you immediately after we end our conversations but I find “…i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)” as the poet says. That keeps me full of you until we can speak again. There are times, I have to admit, that missing you hurts so much that I can’t stop myself from crying. It’s then that I feel weakest and am in most need of hearing from you. And you know what? Almost every time that I am on my knees weeping, something comes in, either you on IM or an email. I promise you, just when I need you most, you show up. It doesn’t happen all the time. I mean, I’m not always crying, of course. People would take ME away if I was doing that all the time. Just occasionally, I feel sad about not hearing from you for several days.

Because of you, I now know what it means to be a “best friend” to someone else. You act differently around me from how you describe yourself around others. You open up and tell me what is on your mind. You allow me to ask you about yourself. You trust me more each day. I appreciate the confidence you place in me. I’m glad what I say makes sense to you. I’m glad it is useful. I’m proud that my suggestions to you are taken seriously, simple as they may be. Up until now, I really didn’t understand how important my role might be in someone else’s life. When you turn to me for advice or you just make comments of one kind or another, I take what you say seriously. There are times when you tease or make me laugh and I appreciate that so much. You do things gently and in a kindly manner with me and I softly accept. Up until now, that was very much missing from my life. But now, I know what it is to be important enough to someone else to be called a “best friend.”

The poet once said, “A thing of beauty is a joy forever.” Looking at you, I know exactly what he means. You are beautiful. Your eyes are dark and deep and so inviting. Your nose is so European, straight and narrow. Your cheeks show your deep heritage to ancient civilizations; high and filled. Your lips are full and appealing; so ready to be kissed. All of you is delicate and well put-together. I adore you, Princesa and I can hardly wait to be held by you, stroked by you and wrapped around you. You are indeed a flower unfolding right in front of me and I am enraptured by you.

I love you, Dearest CC, and my last breath will have your name on it.