Sunday, February 25, 2007

I Am--Thine


My Darling Belov├ęd Princesa Che-Che,

I weep before your beauty.
I bend my knee to the power of your gaze.
I am prostrate facing you.
I beg to breathe again.
I beg you allow my heart to beat again.
I am helpless.
I am hopelessly in love with you.
I beseech you; lift me to where you are.
I seek permission to be alongside you.
I await your soft words granting me audience.
I am yours in my heart, my mind and my soul.
I faithfully carry your heart in mine.
I serve.
I love.
I am--

Thine

Time For A Change

Halo, Dear Heart,

Nais kung maging asawang lalaki…

There, I said it again!

How are you, My Li’l Love? I pray that all is well, that the exams and quizzes were easier than you studied for and that Mom is back to help around the house and to cook for you all. Whew! That was a lot to hope for all in one sentence!

BTW, you do know that I’m madly in love with you, don’t you?

Yesterday was a very interesting, fulfilling and gratifying day. I’ll tell you about it…

It began early—for me, at least—when I made my coffee and bagels at 6:30am. I showered, shaved, gave myself an insulin shot and dressed to be ready to leave at 7:30am for the hospital. Nothing serious for me; it was just a doctor’s appointment at 8:45am. I live so far from town that it takes about an hour’s drive at 60 miles an hour to get anything done. But, I got there in time enough and went in for my chat. He said I should have a full body x-ray to see if the cancer has spread anywhere else in my body and from that, determine if any other treatment is necessary. I had to go to the X-Ray department for a radioactive injection and then come back in 3 hours.

While I was in my urologist’s office, I told jokes to him and his secretary about my responses to all this stuff. He’s so serious all the time that I resolved to get him laughing, often. I’ve succeeded.

I went back home—only took 20 minutes—answered some email, listened to a lesson from The Science Of Getting Rich and did my homework there. After that, I returned to the hospital for the x-ray scan. I stopped into a jewelry store on the way to look at rings for you and even had your “Che-Che” ring sized. Here in Hawaii, it is a size 5. (Does the ring fit you loosely or tight?) I’m having a ring made for you and I want to make sure it will fit correctly. Then, I went through the bone scan, which was basically lying down quietly while a machine took pictures of me of the radioactive fluid and where it might be deposited. I won’t know what the results are—has the cancer spread (?)—until the urologist goes over the pictures; maybe next week.

After I finished the scan, I decided I would get something to eat. I went to “Burger King.” While there, I went through a strange physical episode. I sat down with my food and began to get faint, very faint. I almost passed out right in the restaurant. I didn’t want to do that because no one would know why I was getting sick and the result might be they call an ambulance. I knew what was going on—I was having an insulin reaction (too much insulin in my body) and needed to eat or drink something sugary as soon as possible. My friend, Connie (who is a nurse) just happened to call me on my cell phone at this same time and told me what I already knew: get some sugar in me to counteract the insulin, too much of which was causing me to go into shock. I very carefully stood up—the room was getting dark around me as I was about to pass out—and made my way to the soda dispenser to get some “full-on” Coke, not Diet Coke, which is what I usually drink, since I am a diabetic. I don’t usually like the taste of regular Coke because of the sugar content so I mixed it with what was left of my Diet Coke, sat down and started drinking the mixture.

The effect was almost immediate. As the drink got into my stomach and then passed into my small intestine, (where all nutrient absorption takes place) I began to feel more aware of my surroundings and the previous darkness began brightening up. It took maybe five to ten minutes for my situation to begin improving. Instead of my head resting on the table top, I could sit up straight and breathe normally. I was still feeling somewhat uneasy but, I knew the worst was over. I stood up without being shaky or weak and went toward the movie theatres in this shopping center. I found a movie I wanted to see, bought a ticket, got some popcorn and sat down. I didn’t want to chance driving back home after what had just happened in case I might get faint again; better to fall asleep in a movie theatre than in my car on the highway.

I wanted to go to a cancer presentation at a church far away from here and meet my friend Connie, the nurse. It didn’t start until 6:00pm and it was only 3:30pm when the movie began. Obviously, driving home and then turning around right away to come back was out of the question. So, I sat through “Breach” (the title) until about 5pm and left for the meeting. I felt strong as normal. All the effects of my previous problem were gone by now and I felt safe in my car.

The meeting was excellent. We listened to a medical doctor who was very spiritual (he once studied to become a Jewish rabbi) and who had a medical clinic in Honolulu that combined today’s conventional medicine with spiritual support. I was very much at peace as I listened to him. I found I could relate to what he said about combining the practice of medicine with the art of supporting a patient spiritually. While he talked, I kept thinking about an encounter I had with my own doctor (not the urologist) earlier that day right after the bone scan.

As I came out of the hospital elevator, I ran into my “primary care” doctor, the one caring for my diabetes and general health. I had asked him back in December for a referral to another doctor in a different hospital who was conducting a “clinical trial” of a new medicine that fights Prostate Cancer. This new doctor would not see me unless my primary care doctor referred me so that my insurance would end up paying for this trial. I asked for this referral in December, again in January and February through his nurse/receptionists and still I had not received the form. I wanted to visit this new doctor and see if I qualified for the new treatment he proposed. Without the proper referral I was going nowhere. I confronted my primary care doctor right then and there while he was in his street clothes, obviously heading to his office. As I reminded him of my earlier referral requests, he countered with reasons why I shouldn’t even go that way. First he said, I wouldn’t qualify based on what he knew of the entry requirements. Then, he said my insurance probably wouldn’t pay for it, so why try? I looked him straight in the eye, poked my finger into his chest and said, “Never mind all that, I want the referral.” He asked if I wanted it mailed to me and I said yes.

That encounter kept coming up to me as I was bathed in the peace and harmony this spiritually-guided doctor spoke to us. I kept wondering why I was having so much difficulty obtaining a simple piece of paper from my doctor. In the end, though, I didn’t let that stop me from going up to this gentle man after his talk and asking if my insurance would cover visits to his clinic and what I needed to do to start my visits. He explained how simple it all was and yes, that my insurance covered my potential work with them. You can imagine how relieved and grateful I was.

All in all, it was a satisfying day from the difficulties I experienced in the beginning to the highs of peace, gratitude and harmony that ended the day.

I slept well that night and dreamed richly of you and me.